Because I want to be Brave.

**this is a total non sense. I just want to release my insanity.

Tobias Eaton has a line in the book Divergent that when we act selflessly we are brave. This quote together with what my friend’s memo in her planner “It is never too late to apologize” haunted me in the past few hours and in the past few days.

I have experienced a cold war with two of my friends a.k.a thesismates. Cold, because we become civil too each other, or keep on ignoring one another. Cold, also because we are like US and USSR in history, we maybe not having some catfights and confrontation yet you will feel that there is a tension. What is bad about this event is I do not know the reason. Someone had told me that it is because I am isolating myself and that I am becoming unapproachable. But, I responded her that before I stay away from them I already experience their cold treatments.

I know that what we are having right now is some pointless conflict that is a product of some non-sense overthinking with a twist of immaturity and pride. It is really just some crappy misunderstanding. But, believe me when I say that it still haven’t ended yet. This is truly making me insane. I am getting sick of the situation we have put ourselves. It is just a simple matter that have turned to a complicated one. It sucks. It really do, bigtime. I cannot stand it anymore. I am trying to do my best. I try to talk to them some piece of words yet I ended up in an awkward situation.

I really hate being in a situation like this that you didn’t do anything worst. You just felt it and there are some that you cannot take so you need a time for your self alone. I dislike having something I don’t understand. I just wanted to end it but I won’t. Pride is killing me. Reminding me that I do not know what I have done and that they are the one who ignore me. It empowers me that I can live alone and that they are not really my friend because they got offended on whatever little thing that I have done.

Yet, I don’t want to be a fool anymore. I need to murder Mr.Pride so he will not intrude the struggle that I am having in my mind. I am convincing myself that I need to do something. I need to take an act of humility and bravery. That even if I am hurting and aching on what they have done with me, I am the one who will apologize. I need to tell myself that I, too, have done something that caused them pain. But, it is not that easy.

It is hard to have some courage and utter the five letter word that gives peace of mind. I have known them and somehow it is hard for them to forgive and there are too many hypocrisy that is clouding up on my mind. I fear that I might be rejected. I am afraid that they may say word that stings a lot. I don’t want to be embarrassed because they might just ignore me. End of my thinking capacity. . . . .

However, I need to do it. I want to release myself so I take a leap of faith and say sorry. It was worth taking risk.They might not forgive me. They might not accept it but I know I do my part. At least, all the words that is bothering me had already left. I have attained a peace of mine. I have gotten my serenity. And that is what matters.

So, I guess it is bravery.

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