A Letter of Longing and Solitude

(a.n. waaaaah !!! I just need a space to shout out all the things my heart cannot contain, somehow it contains exaggeration)

To my ever dearest father,

Right at this moment, I am happy to tell you that what we have been waiting for is about to come. Days or weeks from now I am going to receive the fruit of my labor. I am very proud to inform you that I have surpassed all the hardship that I have encounter in order for me to attain what you want me to be. Sooner, I am going to be a teacher, and I will swear to you that I am also going to pass the LET. This is all for you.

Thank you so much for being my inspiration. With you and your guiding words, I have always a reason to keep going. In my mind I have always kept that you are there to believe that I will and I can. But that was just that and it hurts because you are not here to witness all the things I have done to achieve what I am about to achieve. For, you are nothing but a memory, a memory that kept hanging in my head.

You are nothing but memory and your words are just a thought in my mind. All these years they are just a part of my brain that pats me whenever I needed, whenever I want someone to encourage me that I can do it. I know this sounds pathetic but this is my reality, the only person who believes in me is nothing but a part of my history. Sometimes, I deject myself yet this is the only thing that I can hold on.

If what they tell about the dead is true, please don’t be mad at me if once in my everyday life I wish that it is not you who leaves first. It is too selfish, too damn selfish. But. You left too soon and with that I have to suffer a lot. I have to face the reality that  no one is there for me, no one in this world I can consider as my “true” family because no one loves me anymore, not even them. They despise me a lot and I do not know why. All those years I have lived because it is their obligation to kept me living and it is a sin to murder me.

I know that I have written this letter out of loneliness so that I can console myself that you are still there, somehow. I know that this depicts how cruel my mind is but I can not take it anymore. I miss your presence here. I miss someone that is going to stand up for me whenever they put me down. I miss someone who truly believes in me. I am still longing for a father presence in my life but don’t you worry about me your absence taught me how to be independent.

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