I can still remember a conversation with my friends in the middle of our nerve wrecking thesis writing. Out of the blue someone asked, “what are the things you are afraid of?” and it feels like it is a beauty queen pageant and you have to answer a mind blowing answer. It seems like a philosophical inquiry asking what are the roots of our greatest enemy; Fear.
Some said they are afraid of failure. Another is living life alone. All of their answers are actually the same. The thing that is common to everybody, the similar things that we are all afraid of. While they are telling each of their answers, I am in my deep thinking what I am to say because they say it all so when they are looking at me to imply my turn I just mumbled. “Natatakot akong matakot.” (I’m scared of experiencing fear).
Because it is true. In my mind this is what I have come up why my answer is like that.
Once I have entertained the whole idea of “Fear”. Everything seems like falling apart. My world is shaking that feels like there is no certain in this world. I am beginning to tremble of what lies behind. I am scared of so many things and one by one I know they are killing me.
I am afraid of the people looking at me and emphasizing I am always at fault. That they are making me feel that I am one of the dumbest creature existing in this planet…
I am scared that people might judge me because of the mistakes I have demonstrated…
I am afraid that the world will tell something bad about me because they just didn’t know all my struggles.
I am scared that if I try to communicate with them I might hurt them and they might hurt me.
I am afraid that I will be like the others who always go with the flow and that I can be contaminated by their flawed mindset.
I am scared with a bunch of people who tries to change who I am and my principles in life.
I am afraid of caring with people non nonchalant of my existence.
I am scared of people who cannot accept me and how straightforward and tactless I am.
I don’t want to deal with people. That’s it. I am afraid of them because they affect me too much. They bring all the worst in me. They made me overthink things. They are making me miserable.
Yet, I have realized that I am scared of fear itself. That it is up to me if I will be afraid of the things. if I am going to entertain those thoughts and let them ruin them.
And I have realized that destructing my self through scary thoughts makes me the greatest escapist. Makes me to be the worst person. That If I am afraid of something. That if I always avoid all my fear I will not grow. I am scared to be better.
Right now, refreshing all those conversation, contemplation and reflections. I have come up that all of us had the same roots of fear. We are afraid of letting go. We are scared of leaving the harbor, our beloved comfort zone.
We fear change.