Maybe , I Just Give Up.

One week and then I have to bid my farewell to my first ever students as a professional teacher. The question that keeps banging me is: Have I done enough to leave my mark with my students? Have all my efforts enough to fulfill why I had chosen this profession? To be honest, my answer is maybe… no (or not), and I am afraid that this preliminary experiences of mine will haunt me as I go on in this career.

If I am to assessed my first year of real world of teaching, I will say that maybe I have become a mediocre teacher. I don’t think that I have got my triumphed over them. I got shock as I step my foot in this ocean.They are not the students I am used back when I am still on my training. They are different to the kind of students that I am, and I had been surrounded. Plus, the school I am in is too over protective with the students (and the feedback of the parents). Some culture that is totally new to me.The foundations of education I have known seems to shake me and makes me believe that the ideals I have in mind is too good to be true, or be true to life. Because the reality is, I am a robot of the system. My actions are just limited to what the administration approves. This makes me feel that I am good for nothing.I am back to square one again and I have to learn the art of teaching all over again.

Or maybe, I am just becoming rational to myself with that explanation and truth is I have just give up on them. That because I have seen them not try hard enough so I let myself be like them as well. I have let myself go with the flow because I think I cannot do anything. I become afraid and scared of what this world is offering. I don’t let myself try  new that the system is letting me see.With this, I have lose my chance to be catalyst to them. I have missed my part to fulfill my aspirations, to inspire them and lead them to be  better and the best they can be. To let them look to what they needed to see in this world that we have.

Charles Darwin is right when he explained his theory of evolution. That the  species who will survive are those who are capable of change. In my experience, I lose the battle. I become a loser to my self. I am not tough enough to survive the profession, I will be just another source of mediocrity because I am not flexible with change. I cannot accept myself being chained that it destroy me. I did not survive this manipulated system.

But, if I had to look on the other side of the door I need to see the brighter side that I needed to learn in this experience. In the first place, I am just a first timer, a novice. I still have so many things to learn and know to be tougher. To be a victor over this chosen profession. And if I totally give up, then all my dreams will just be totally be ideal and unreal because I have let all the testing forces mold me and to be able to be successful in the path I am taking, I need to learn because if I don’t, everything is useless.

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